Hush ya beak and an old fashioned English chuckle with these... All hail the king of one liners...

I went to see a friend with her new baby last night, she
> asked me if I
> wanted to wind it.
> I thought that was a bit harsh, so I just gave it a Dead-Leg
>
> *****
>
> Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
> The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
>
> *****
>
> Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
> Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
>
> *****
>
> 'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'
> 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
> 'Is it common?'
> 'It's not unusual.'
>
> *****
>
> A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
> 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
> 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
> So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
> teeth.
> Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
> 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
> 'No, because he's really heavy'
>
> *****
>
> 'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'
> 'Well you can't say fairer than that then'
>
> *****
>
> Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
>
> *****
>
> So I went to the dentist.
> He said 'Say Aaah.'
> I said 'Why?'
> He said 'My dog's died.'
>
> *****
>
> So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and
> said
> 'Who's speaking please?'
> And a voice said 'You are.'
>
> *****
>
> So I rang up my local swimming baths.
> I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
> He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
>
> *****
>
> So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip
> outside my
> house.'
> He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
>
> *****
>
> Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there
> are 5
> people in my family, so it must be one of them.
> It's either my mum or my dad.
> Or my older brother Colin.
> Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
>
> But I think it's Colin.
>
> *****
>
> So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang
> up, and
> he said 'You've been promoted.'
> And I swerved.
> And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted
> again.'
> And I swerved again.
> He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
> And I went into a tree.
> And a policeman came up and said
> 'What happened to you?'
> And I said 'I careered off the road.'
>
> *****
>
> Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
> The one I was in went back and forwards.
> I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me, 'Mr
> Cooper,
> get out of the filing cabinet.'
>
> *****
>
> So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can
> you give
> me a lift?'
>
> I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for
> it.'
>
> *****
>
> Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
> 'Does this taste funny to you?'
>
> *****
>
> Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
> acid, and
> the other was eating fireworks.
>
> They charged one and let the other one off.
>
> *****
>
> You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
> They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking
> Fine.'
> So that was nice.
>
> *****
>
> A man walked into the doctors,
> The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
> The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'
>
> *****
>
> A man walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm in
> several
> places'
> The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'
>
> *****
>
> I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
> He wasn't very happy.
>
> *****
>
> I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
> couldn't
> find any.
>
> *****
>
> Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at
> least one of
> them would have seen it.
>
> *****
>
> Phone answering machine message -
> '...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash
> key...'
>
> *****
>
> I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
> that he
> couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
> He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
>
> *****
> My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
> A strong currant pulled him in.
>
> *****
> A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
> He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
> The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
>
> *****
> I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
>
> *****
>
> Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
> They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for
> all that
> you can't have your kayak and heat it.
>
> *****
>
> Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
> covered with
> hundreds and thousands.
> Police say that he topped himself.
>
> *****
>
> Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'
> The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!'
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